And the question is……………… Do you think you will feel as strongly as you do today about the issue or choice you are making now as you will in 5 or 10 years? If you think you will feel as strongly, then you can feel confident with your decision today, whether you are deciding whom to invite or other matters.

If you are not completely sure or have second thoughts about your feelings on the issue, then it’s best to take a step back, consider other options and realize expressing your feelings and communicating your thoughts to the other key decision maker/s is important in itself and creates the ground work for how to resolve other issue that might come up in the future.

If you are both so strong in your opposing views and can’t reach a mutual agreement or meeting of the minds, then it’s best to turn to a professional counselor or clergy to help you resolve the matter.

1. You can create an A and a B list. Using an early response date for the A list and using the space created by the A list guests negative responses to send out a second round of invitations at least 4 weeks prior to the wedding date.
2. Decide to trim your family invitations to the first cousins and not include their extended families.

1. Consider all families included in the wedding for setting the date and location of the wedding by finding out about vacations, holiday rituals, and work and school schedules.
2. The big "B" word needs to be addressed as soon as possible. Figure what everyone can contribute ($$'s) to the wedding weekend budget. I say wedding weekend since the growing trend, even in these economic challenging times is to have a joint effort to accommodate out of town guests in the rehearsal dinner, the wedding day expenses, and often a casual brunch the following morning after the wedding day.
3. When you are thinking about locations and budget, make sure you have in mind an atmosphere you want to create. Some locations come with everything done for you, but others are a blank canvas and you have to use a lot of imagination or rely on event professionals to help you make your vision come to life. Either way, before you sign on the dotted line, know what it is going to cost in time, money, and creativity to make your environment reflect the ambience you want.
4. If you are the type of couple that would like to plan the wedding yourself by handling the expenditures and making the major decisions, please ask all parties contributing to have a wedding account that you manage. Having to go to each party to ask for funds as you go along invites questions that you might not want to have to answer or justify your desires. Hopefully everyone trusts your judgment and once you do your do diligence in investigating services and sites, you can focus on getting what you want and like instead of negotiating every purchase or decision you make to the bitter end.
5. No two people will agree on everything, so get use to the idea that you may not see eye to eye in all ways. Make a list of the top three priorities you have for services and see how close you really are in agreeing. Even if you don't agree on something, make sure that you present a unified front to parents and family assisting you financially. You will face a lot of stress unnecessarily when you air your differences in front of others. You might get more than you bargained for in a no hold bars discussion.
6. This is such a wonderful and exciting time in your life, but it's important to keep wedding planning in proportion to the rest of your life you are creating together. Try to create pockets of time where wedding plans are off limits and concentrate on anything else so you don't feel so consumed by party planning.
7. Even if you are not sure exactly who will be attending the wedding ceremony and reception, gather a guest list from both sides of the family of each of you, along with lists of each of your friends before you go site shopping. It's impossible to know for sure how many of your closest and dearest will come, but figure you want a location that will be OK if 20 % more or less will eventually will attend.
8. It's best to think about whom you would like to be in your wedding party as soon as you can. Everyone has old friends, family members, and more recent but close friends that could be potential wedding party members. The more notice you give the better, since it is no small commitment to be a wedding party member these days. With bachelorette and bachelor parties, showers, wedding present, wedding attire, and beauty services, it really starts to add up. If the honored attendants live outside the area where you are now, it's even more of a commitment for them to participate. They may need a little time to figure out the "money" or talk with their family and take into consideration their work situation. Have a couple of people in mind for back up just in case your initial choices won't be able to participate.
9. After doing your do diligence in order to find out what your taste really costs, be sure to hold aside up to 10% of your overall budget for surprises and the unexpected.
10. Keep your sense of humor! There are bound to be some unexpected actions or conversations you would have rather not have had to have. But with not taking yourself or selves too seriously, you will be able to weather any storms that might blow through once in a while.

From time to time I am asked how to plan and schedule a New Years Eve wedding. It can be a very fun and festive way to bring in the New Year and celebrate a new beginning in your lives as well. Here are some suggestions for the timing of the evening to insure that your wedding flows nicely, everyone stays until midnight to ring in the new year together with good wishes too.

1. Invite your guests for a cocktail party start at 8 PM if you have the bucks to entice your guests to begin celebrating early in the evening.

This allows time for traffic in case it's a work day and your guests are  traveling from a distance. You can have a good wish stack of cards where the guests write down their one wish for the bride and groom signed by the guest/s, and another wish card written and signed by the guest/s for them to fill out making a good wish in the new year for themselves. As the guests depart  their wishes have been added to a small gift box and they are asked to open it up on the next new years eve. The bride and groom have written a message of thanks in a card attached to the box with each guest name, and inside is the wish the guests had hoped to be granted and another wish the bride and groom wrote for the guest as well. It's a lot of work if you are having a large wedding, but what a wonderful idea if both wishes come true or at least the wishes are similar. We all need a little surprise and wonder in our lives. (During the evening, helpers have been matching up the names of the wishes with boxes for each guest).

2. Start moving guests to the ceremony area by 9 PM and begin your ceremony by 9:15 PM

3. Ceremony concludes approximately 9:45, guests move to room where dinner and dancing will be starting.

4. Bride and groom are introduced and have their first dance by 10:00PM, with short dance set with all guests and wedding party follows.

5. First course about 10:20 with the Best Man and Maid of Honor toasts given during the conclusion of either the first course. Since this is a special holiday as well as a wedding reception, the father/daughter dance usually held until the end of the main course is done a little earlier in the evening, coming after the second course with comments by the Father of the Bride before he dances with his daughter. A short dance following with all the guests.

6. Try to have the main course served by 11:15 PM and conclude about 11:45 PM when the bride and groom will say a few words, cut the cake, and everyone toasts in the new year  at 12 midnight.  The streamers, horns, confetti that were placed on the guest tables earlier in the evening  are blown and thrown as the guests are encouraged to join the bride and groom on the dance floor.   Everyone is on the dance floor and the bride and groom are raised on chairs to the delight of the guests.

7. Guests enjoy the music and desserts until 1 AM when guests depart and receive their parting gifts. Keep it fun, keep it safe, lots of cabs waiting for the hardy party attendees(good idea to pre book cabs on a holiday), have cash on hand for your guests who may not be in the best shape and need a cab, or even arrange for a bus if finances allow for the out of towners to return to their hotels by a coach!

Cheers,

Tobey

Last night I had a great phone call with a new client. It is always an exciting time to talk over what your client hopes to see, feel, and experience on the wedding day. One of the most important topics to discuss  is finding the perfect site to hold the ceremony and reception, the one that just fits the couple's vision and atmosphere for their wedding day. Since this particular wedding is going to take place in Los Angeles and the bride and groom are now residing elsewhere, lots of thought is given to where the rest of the guests coming from out of town should stay overnight, will this site be easy or hard to find, is it big enough if the guest list grows, are there any hidden costs, time constraints, or unreasonable rules and regulations associated with renting the desired site for ceremony and reception.

In most cases, there are always questions to ask to make sure that all the terms and conditions can be met and are understood. but when you are looking for that perfect romantic hill top hideaway, some how the non existent light poles on a steep winding hillside road escapes your normally logical left brain that has gone fishing for the day. Taking time in the beginning before you sign on the dotted line to think about transportation options, parking options, traveling time, and possible nearby accommodations makes a world of difference so there are no illusions or misunderstandings that could result in buyers remorse. Above and beyond the contract you will enter into once you sign documents is the realization that your dream location might not be the ideal for everyone attending.

In fact,initially what you thought was charming and unusual, later, might be downright inconvenient, odd, or uncomfortable for some. Recognizing that every site has it's pluses and minuses will go a long way to making the adjustments for some of your guests so at least you have done your best to mitigate the potential problems at the outset. Today, wedding venues run the gambit of up and out of the way secluded properties off narrow winding roads, or alleyway entrances off garment district backstreets, graffiti bricked walled cellars, and warehouse attics that scream style to some and taboo to others.

As long as  you thoroughly read the contract and rules and regulations, ask questions before you sign on the dotted line, the you have done your best to at least address any potential issue that might be a challenge ahead of time and minimize any challenges as much as possible. Make sure  you have at least two hours once the reception room is set up for band and DJ, flowers and decor, setting down place cards, favors, and accessories for the cake table. If you are bringing in a rented dance floor, extra lighting, furniture, drapery, or rented chairs and linen you want to be able to have a minimum of 4 hours for set up. Most florist and decor companies will lobby for 6 to 8 hours ahead depending on the complexity of the design concept. Sometimes a location will charge extra for a family to have the facility several hours ahead rather than the 2 to 4 hour ahead of the ceremony and/or reception standard.

Happy hunting!

Tobey

Don't get me wrong, I believe in protocol and etiquette as a means to settle queries about proper behavior and common courtesy situations. When it comes to these delicate matters of protocol, sometimes it's best to pick up the phone, not email, text, or fax, but actually pick up the phone and ask someone where would they rather sit; with Uncle Sal or your older cousin Louis who let you win at Clue when you were  10 years old. Honestly, most people know you have the best intentions possible when it comes to seating guests at dinner tables. You have shown over the years your kindness and dedication to your family and friends. They know you well enough to know  your character and level of caring.  Individually you are bond to have someone say among 200+ guests, "Why did they feel they had to put all the single ladies at one table, even if it meant breaking up some of the couples tables". Ugh!

When you are faced with family rituals and long honored traditions like head tables, the etiquette books are full of  placement information. What I want you to remember is your intentions are the most important thing to remember and if someone's nose is out of joint because they feel slighted about their assigned seat, when you have done your best to make them happy, have that second martini and forget about it, until the next episode of seating drama. Heck, next time why not try musical chairs and see what happens!

Smiles,

Tobey